Last night, in a unexpected turn of events, I (actually ran) and saw Guy Madden's 35mm b&w film Brand Upon The Brain!, part of the Portland Lesbian and Gay Film Festival at Cinema 21 in NW Portland. It was amazing. Guy is sort of the David Lynch of Canada and the film has won the U.S. National Film Critics award TWICE for best U.S. experimental film of the year. Anyway, I fell in love with the experience it gave me. It left me dying to be a part of something similar. Let me go into more detail.
The movie, performance rather, was incredible. At it's heart it is a silent film from 2006, although looking like an old 1940's piece, about a boy named Guy who goes to visit his mother. She lives on an island, hysterically peering over the children from the lighthouse, where she takes care of orphans and Guy's father, a scientist, works hours upon hours inventing in the basement. His father uses a family ring to suck out "nectar" from the orphans in order to move forward with his age-defying experiments. It's a story about weight, it's a story about love, and it's a story about overcoming parental forces and allowing yourself to move on from their boundaries.
The version I saw included a small chamber ensemble, a 3 person live foley creation, a castrato (kinda), and narration by Stephen Malkmus. The minimalist-style original score was written by Seattle composer Jason Staczek and delicately matched the mood of the film, both dramatic and somber (quite similar to one of my all-time favorites Max Richter). The players performed beautifully and I can only pray that one day I can be a composer who gets the chance to match the caliber of the written score, let alone the entire experience.
The foley artists were fabulous as well. It was freaking incredible and inspiring to watch them perform and I've never seen anything quite like it. They used some of the most tactical approaches to creating the sounds of paintbrushes, pitter patter of steps on a staircase, books clapping closed, the ocean, eerie night freakyness, and out-of-this-world-cinematic-craziness exploitation. I was in awe. I couldn't decide which to watch, the film or the musicians or the foley artists or Stephen. Unbelievable!
Stephen Malkumus was an interesting touch. It was pretty "cool" to see him take part in this even but it kinda felt like he was telling jokes the whole time - not far off from the lines in the narration which are quite humorous - but I think today's performance with dry-toned Calvin Johnson might've been a better fit. Nevertheless, it was an experience that will live inside and inspire me for a long, long time.
As organic as the opportunity for me to stay in Portland presented itself, it's hard for me to feel like the decision grew out of me the same way. I guess what I'm trying to say is god damn, I hope I'm doing the right thing. I suppose I am, and I suppose I know in my gut what I should do. But does that make it any easier? Hell no. Perhaps that's why it's so hard. How can a decision to leave the most supportive, loving people you know and trust on the whole entire earth be a gut feeling? I've been wrestling with this sweaty question for a while now and I still feel beat and only mid-match.
Recently a dear friend wrote to me, saying "do everything with your whole heart". These words have made themselves comfortable in my head and I would smile when I thought of the words and the voice of the words. They would revitalize my core and continually refresh my spirit with burst of positivity and enlightenment. They're not out-of-the-ordinary but they turned into a solid mantra, capable and utilized by anyone and everyone. But recently I've realized that because I'm so torn by my decision, I feel the dead, lazy feeling of incapability, the inability, to do anything with my whole heart. And that is a dark place.
When I visited my grandparents on my return trip to Portland, my grandmother was showing me around their small apartment in Ripon, CA and she opened up their bedroom. "And there's grandpa sleeping, sound asleep," she said. I looked over and he was lying still on his side, no real motion from any part of his body, eyes wide open. This is how he sleeps: eyes open. He is now legally blind, fighting skin cancer--amongst other things--from playing too much tennis when he was a kid in Denver. He is now close to the end of his road. I have a gut-feeling that I just saw him for the last time.
I'm not trying to formulate a correlation between my grandpa dying and my friendships dying. I'm really trying, but how can I not? I understand that there most certainly will be loss. But out of that loss will come gain. It's like I've cut a tiny branch, fertilized by the growth in my lush forest of lovers and friends, and am now trying to regrow a huge tree from the little bits of sap that I have preserved from the beautiful fermentation of memories. It's not unnatural, in fact most of nature encounters it far more than I ever will, but it's a new experience, for me, in doing it to yourself. A process I can relate only to my experience of going off to college and leaving my high-school friends and family behind. Looking back, there's only a few friends who I still talk to regularly and even those conversations seem to be harder and harder to jump into easily.
I've always hopped into groups of friends quite quickly, immersing myself deeply and then leaving. This isn't something I do consciously, but it in hindsight I'm very afraid to how it's perceived by others. The worst part I imagine is not that I did it, but that I did it without expressing my sincerity for the relationships that I took part in.
During my decision making process I broke down one night when I thought about what my future looked like, and more about what it lacked. I sat in my car and listened to Privacy and remembered so many cherished memories with the friends I was about to leave. It was a painstakingly wretched process that I, only after the packing and the final goodbyes and the drive and the settling in, am now finally unearthing the tingles in my belly, my gut, and my head.
Although my eyes still work, I imagine myself someday at the point my grandpa is at now: eyes open, seeing every cherished face and reliving each memory over and over again, sleeping with light and crying beautifully, without shame, basking in the pure gratefulness he has for his life.
Thank you.
This a music video for the song "Throw On The (Hazard Lights)" by The Dirty Projectors. This song can be found on the album Slaves Graves' and Ballads which came out in 2004 on Western Vinyl. This is what they have to say:
Dave Longstreth is the man behind, or perhaps in front of, the music called Dirty Projectors. Longstreth wrote half of Slaves' Graves and Ballads, the follow-up to last year's critically-acclaimed debut, The Glad Fact, for a ten-piece chamber group called The Orchestral Society for the Preservation of the Orchestra. This first half, Slaves' Graves, was recorded in a church in New Haven, CT. The Ballads were recorded with guru and quaking soulman Adam Forkner of Yume Bitsu at Dub Narcotic Studios, in Olympia, WA. Witness Longstreth use GM technology to restore maize to its original, feral genetic makeup, before the advent of domestication: this is classical and pop music’s bodies-entwined, souls-commingled wedding! Their child doesn’t have one white eye and one Asian one; rather, he sees differently.
I shot most of the footage on a HP Photosmart L1822A digital camera while on tour with The Righteous and Harmonious Fists. There's not a whole lot of influence from the magnificent films James Sumner made for the Dirty Projectors, but I really love a lot about this song and wanted to combine some videos that I shot in San Francisco and on the road traveling up the west coast. I managed to get some really long shots on the L1822A - the SF street shot was 20min - and some of them came out really great. Some also came out pretty weird - did you see the face??? Finally, this is the first time I've ever used iMovie to edit videos and I'm still figuring out some tricks but I hope you like it!
Before The Hop can become a cool place to come and chill I need a comfortable environment that gets the vibe under control. I'm talking about color.
These are the shades I'm considering, tell me what you think and, with your help, we can all win:
